Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
