We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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