He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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