I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
