took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
