Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
