if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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