I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Everyone says I win the strip club
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
