I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
