My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
