I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
