I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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