we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
