How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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