thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
