I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
