my phone needs a breathalizer
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
