As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize