I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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