Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
