Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
