Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
