Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
