this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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