The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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