We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
