I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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