i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
