i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
