Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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