If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You were trust falling into bushes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
