Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
