You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize