FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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