Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
