I wish I could teleport
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
