i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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