my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
