I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
