So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Panties = found
Randomize