did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
