the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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