Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize