Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
