You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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