I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
