I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
