A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
