She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
