I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Randomize
