So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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