There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
