Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
did i walk over a car last night?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
