New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
