just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
