He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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