I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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