I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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