She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
