i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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