Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
