Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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