remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
